Love Heals
by Laurie2
Summary: My first fanfic about Chandler and Monica...so be nice! :P j/k! R & R please! :) ps: Contains NO S7 spoilers!!


Her curiousity can no longer contain her ****

Love Heals

By: Laurie 

****

AN: Hey everyone! This is my first CnM fanfic. (Yes, I shocked me too! :P) I got the idea recently and decided to just go with it. btw, I started this 2 days before the season 7 finale, but this takes place right after it while CnM are on their honeymoon. :) (So let's pretend that no one got pregnant.) Thus, no spoilers in this fic! So let me know what ya think at the end and review it please! :) ([**twentykeys_laurie@yahoo.com**][1]**) This fic is dedicated to my Parkers; especially Steph, who is the one biggest CnM fans I've ever met, is the best CnM writer ever, and most importantly, taught me how to like the couple I once never thought I would. :) And Mandy, who, if it were not for her, I would not be able to call myself a fanfic writer. :) Happy Birthday, hon! FYI, none of these characters are mine. Sadly, they belong to Bright, Kauffman, and Crane. Carolyn belongs to Maddie, Sean belongs to Marjie (hehe), and Matthew belongs to Alex (doi!). One last thing, don't get too upset into the first 3 pages…you'll see why! ;) Enough of my rambling, enjoy! :) **

Laughing, Monica looked over at her husband. Chandler was trying to untwist the flapping sail with no luck. She yelled over the whistling wind. "Honey, it's really windy out here, maybe we should just head back to shore." 

"No way! And have our honeymoon at a hotel?" 

"Chandler, if we stay out here, we won't be the only thing rocking the boat!" 

Chandler flashed his smile back at her. "Okay. But only because you know I can't say 'no' to you." He maneuvers the borrowed boat back toward land. He notices Monica shivering, and gets up to go to her. "Sweetie, you're freezing. Why don't you go down below? I'll stay up here and be down as soon as I can." 

Monica moves closer to Chandler. She can't help but feel safe and secure from all harm, even with a storm brewing all around them. She smiles and nods. "Alright, but I'm coming back up with a coffee for you." 

He smiles back. "Agreed." 

Slowly, she lets go of him and enters below. She realizes once she's down there how hard the waves must be. Pouring Chandler some hot coffee in a thermos and grabbing herself a poncho, she notices through the tiny window how dark it had gotten. A flash of lightening frightens her and she moves back towards the deck. As her head pops out, she notices Chandler trying to fasten the sail, but it seems like he's having some trouble. Rain pouring down on her, she heads for her husband. He sees her in an instant. "Monica! Go down below and radio in our location." 

"What do you mean? Is the storm that dangerous?" she asks with fright in her voice. 

"I didn't think it could be, but we're in the middle of the tropical storm season, Mon. Anything's possible. Looks like we're in for a rough night." 

Monica nods in reply and begins to turn back. All of a sudden, a huge bolt of lightening strikes down. She watches in horror as Chandler loses his balance and falls into the rough waters, with no lifejacket. "Chandler!" she cries out. A million thoughts race through her head as she grabs the lifesaver and rushes to her husband. She watches as Chandler's body bobs up and down and back and forth. She yells to him to grab onto the lifesaver as she aims and throws it his way. 

"Monica!" she hears him yell. Through breaths, she hears him again. "I'll always love you." 

"Chandler, don't tell me that now! Just reach for the life saver." 

"I can't! I can't see it!" 

"It's about 5 laps in front of you. Just swim towards my voice!" 

"I'm trying Mon! But all I feel is water!" 

"Please don't give up! I can't live without you." She hears no reply from him. She searches the waters and sees nothing but the lifesaver she threw in. Nervously, she begins to pull it back in, only to find no Chandler on the other end. She grabs the spotlight and flashes it across the waters, screaming Chandler's name. Finally, she forces herself to go below and follow the instructions her husband told her originally to do. She calls in her location and tells of how Chandler fell in and is now gone, through tears. She grabs a life jacket and goes to the top again. She takes one last look out over the rough seas and readies herself to jump in. 

Suddenly, she hears a loud voice. "Mrs. Bing. Stop!" She turns around and sees a huge boat in front of her. Immediately, she knows it's the National Guard. "Come with us, we've already sent boats of men to look for your husband."

"No! I'm not leaving here without him!" 

"Mrs. Bing, you'll only be doing yourself and your husband more harm if you don't come back to shore with us."

Crying, she slowly walks to the side of the boat and reluctantly allows the men to take her ashore. She stares back over the waters looking for one last sign of Chandler. 

~*~*~*~

A rough sound makes Monica snap up in bed. She hears a voice. "Honey, what's wrong? Did you have that dream again?"

Monica swallows hard and nods her head. "It was if I were there again." She feels his arms wrap around her and suddenly, everything feels better. "Oh Sean, thank you." She smiled at her new husband of 7 days. 

"Sweetie, we'd better start packing if we want back in time to see Cari head off to Kindergarten." 

Monica didn't know whether to smile or frown at that sentence. In one way, she was happy she'd get to watch her daughter start her education. She started to imagine all the firsts she got to see of Carolyn's that Chandler didn't. That was where she couldn't help but frown. Chandler would never get to see their daughter's firsts. She found out she was pregnant with their child after Chandler's memorial services. His body was never found to bury. In her heart, Monica never let go of the notion that he was still alive, out there somewhere, waiting for her to find him. But her friends convinced her that Cari needed a father, so for her daughter's sake, she remarried 5 long years after Carolyn's birth; almost 6 after Chandler's presumed death. She never admitted it to anyone but herself that she felt Chandler was still alive. He would always be alive inside her and she let Sean know that right away. 

But Sean was an understanding man, always caring and looking out for her and Cari. From the start, when Monica had met him that cold February night, he showed that. Of course, some of it came with the doctoral degree, but Monica knew that most of it came from his heart. Sean had helped deliver Carolyn that chilly Valentine's Day, and he proved to be a trusted friend to Monica and her daughter ever since. 

A smile drew across her face as she remembered the night she first held Cari in her arms. Now she just wanted to get home to her daughter, so she got out of bed and helped Sean pack. 

"That good, was I?" Monica laughed. "What else could have you smiling?"

"I just remembered the night Cari was born." 

"You still wish he were here, don't you?"

"I always will, Sean."

"I know. But I promise you, I will never try to replace Chandler. I couldn't if I tried. But I also promise you that I will be the best father to Carolyn as I can be. I really love her, and I love her beautiful mother too." 

"I know you will." She pauses and recalls what they were doing in the first place. "Okay, I'm all packed. I'm just going to go through my check list to make sure we got everything before we leave." 

"Okay. Oh, are you going to call home and check on Cari?" 

"Nah. I want her to be surprised." 

Before she knew it, Monica was boarding a plane, taking her new husband home with her. It was still hard to call or even think of Sean as her husband, when for so long he had been nothing but a best friend. But she knew her friends were right. She had to move on for Carolyn's sake and she knew Chandler wouldn't approve of her being unhappy for the rest of her life either. So, she rested her head on Sean's shoulder and dreamed of seeing her daughter. 

~*~*~*~

He looked across the calm, clear waters. Wind blowing through his hair, he never bothered to whisk it away from his face. He could never figure out why he had such an astounding fascination with the sea, but he did. He watched the seagulls fly in and out, gathering the morning's food. He lay on his back and stared at the clear blue sky. He took a deep breath in and as he closed his eyes, he began to dream. 

"Are you ready, sweetie?" asked the dark-haired woman. "The sea's looking great today and I checked the forecast. No sign of any upcoming storms." 

He smiled back at her. "Looks like we're ready to set sail then." 

"Set sail to begin our new lives." she replied. "I love you." 

"I love you more. You mean the world to me," he boasted back as they shared a kiss. 

"Matt! Wake up!" 

The woman's voice startled him. As he looked back at his wife, he realized he must've had the same dream again. "Sorry, Lexie. I was watching the sea and was taken in by it." 

Alexandra smiled down on him. "Yeah, you do that a lot. Cammon inside, lunch is ready." 

"Okay, be there in a sec." He watched her mouth "okay" and walk back to their ocean-side home. He held his head in his hands trying to figure out why such a dream had come so often to him. He never told Lexie about the dream though, figuring it would only make her wonder. She was his angel, after all. It was her that rescued him almost 6 summers ago. Matthew knew little of his accident, but from the many stories he was told over the years, he could sum it up. He was found by Alexandra along this very shore 5 years ago. She told him they found no identification on him, and since he looked like her dead brother, Matthew, that was the namesake she had given him. She took him in like a hurt and lost puppy, not asking anything in return. He found himself so taken by her, that 2 years later, they married on the same beach. 

This was why he could never tell her of his recurring dream of another woman. He feared she would think he had loved another woman much more than her before they met and even though there was the slightest chance that was true, he did nothing to jeopardize his marriage with Alexandra. Still, the thought that he had left behind with his old life another woman who he had once loved sent shivers down his spine. As he heard Lexie calling to him again, he let the thought escape his mind and ran to her and his home. 

~*~*~*~ 

The car drove up to the familiar place Monica called home. She laughed as she saw Carolyn peeking out the window. She jumped out of the car and ran inside to give her daughter a hug, the kind that you never let go of. As she loosened her grip on the small child, she wiped the tears of joy that had escaped her eyes and asked, "Did you miss me?" 

Cari's smile grew wider as she nodded yes and replied, "Yes and my heart missed you too, mommy." 

"Well my heart missed you! We're even." They shared a laugh. 

As Monica passed the piano, she stopped to stare at the pictures. One was of her and Cari, at her second birthday party. Another showed her brother, Ross and all her old friends; Rachel, Phoebe, Joey, and of course Chandler. She glanced over at their last picture together and felt the tears coming on again. She didn't know why she had kept her and Chandler's wedding picture out in the open, but something always stopped her from taking it down. 

She heard Sean entering the house that they would now share and she thought of their wedding photo. In her heart, their wedding was nothing compared to the love and joy she shared with Chandler on theirs. She watched Sean walk over to her. 

"Well, we're finally home. I was thinking about ordering in tonight, is that okay with you?" 

"Huh?" She was still thinking about her first wedding day. "Oh, yeah, whatever you want." 

She watched him leave and picked up the wedding photo. Even after getting re-married and moving on, she found that her heart still could not be fooled into thinking Chandler was gone forever; physically and mentally. She decided to try to not think about the past and concentrate on the future, for Carolyn's sake. She put the photo down, gave it one last glance, and moved to the kitchen. 

~*~*~*~

Lunch was quiet. Matthew couldn't help but think about the dream again. He knew if he didn't stop, Lexie would be asking him questions. 

"Matty, what's wrong?" 

"What?"

"With you. You look like something's on your mind." Matt sighed. "Cammon, you can tell me anything." 

At that moment, he really felt he could. But then he remembered what he told himself on the beach and stopped himself. "Nothing's wrong with me, sweetie. I'm just thinking." 

"About?"

"I was thinking about taking you out tonight. Maybe we could go into town and see a movie or something." 

"I'm sorry, not tonight, hon." Matthew stared back at her in surprise. She laughed. "I have to be up early tomorrow for those Vera Wang commercials, remember?" 

He did. It was all she had talked about for the past 3 weeks. Alexandra was a beautiful actress. She decided that she wanted to spend her summer hiatus with him this year. She had often hinted about a child of their own, but Matthew wasn't sure whether they were ready to make such a commitment. 3 weeks ago, her agent called. Vera Wang wanted her to be in their late fall wedding commercials and this week they were scouting the country for Alexandra's flower girl. Matt couldn't help but smile at how into her work she was. She had such a passion for it that drove her to be one of the best. Being a spokesmodel for such a big fashion company would earn them millions. He couldn't deny the fact that they had the money to buy everything a child would ever want. But did they have enough love to share such a child? Before he could give it another moment's thought, Lexie interrupted him. 

"If you're that disappointed, you could always go in to town and rent a movie." 

He agreed, thinking a quiet evening at home with his wife would take his mind off of the dream. 

"What are you in the mood for?" 

"Oh, just surprise me. Anything you pick will be fine." 

"Does that mean I can rent 'Die Hard'?"

Alexandra smiled and wrapped her arms around him. "You're not *that* lucky." 

~*~*~*~

The new family sat in quiet, picking at their Chinese takeout. 

"Anyone want the last egg roll?" Sean asked, finally breaking the silence. 

Monica and Carolyn both murmured 'no' in reply, both with thoughts elsewhere. This time Carolyn took a shot. "Mommy?" 

"Yes, hon?" 

"I was thinkin, if Becca isn't going to my school, then who will be my friend?"

"Oh, don't worry about that, Cari. You'll make lots of new friends in Kindergarten." 

"Hey, I know what might ease your nerves."

"What is it, Sean?" Monica wanted to know. 

"Why don't you two go rent a movie and we can have our first family night." 

"Oh, mommy! Can we please do that?" 

"I'm sorry, Cari. You should both know that we have to get you in bed early tonight. You wouldn't want to miss your first day of school, would you?" 

Carolyn rolls her eyes and mutters, "No" as she slowly walks up stairs. 

Sean stares back at Monica. "Now why did you do that? You know she's nervous about tomorrow!" 

"Sean, I'm not in the mood tonight, okay? She is *my* daughter after all, I think *I* would know what's best for her." 

"She's *our* daughter now. One of the main promises I made and planned to keep in my wedding vows was to treat Carolyn as if she were my own."

"But she's not." 

"But I have been the only father figure in Cari's life since she was born."

"And that's Chandler's fault?!"

"Okay, I'm sorry, Mon. You know that's not what I meant."

"Then what did you mean?"

"I meant to say that I'm the only dad she knows, and now that we're married, we should share the responsibilities of raising her, together." 

Monica sighs as she remembers why she married Sean in the first place. "You're right, I'm sorry. But still, no movies tonight. We can do that when it's not on a school night." 

"Alright, fair enough. But can we at least take her for ice cream? It's only 6:30."

"Okay, but you're driving because I'm still worn out!" 

Sean nodded in agreement as Monica got Carolyn and they exited out the door. 

~*~*~*~

Matthew sighed as he made the turn off the highway for the downtown section. He couldn't stop picturing the beautiful woman in his dream. It was a nagging thought that he couldn't seem to shake this time. Suddenly, his cell phone (or mobile! POL) rang, allowing the dream to momentarily escape his thoughts. He answered it, knowing who it was. "Hey, Lexie. I just got into town. Is everything okay?" 

"Yeah, I was just wondering if on your way back you could pick up some ice cream." 

"Sure, anything for my amazingly gorgeous wife." 

She laughed. "Thanks! And don't forget the ice cream! Love you!" 

"I won't. Love you too." he answered, as he pulled up to the Blockbuster Video. 

After picking up "Notting Hill," knowing he would really score bringing home a romantic comedy, he drove on to hunt down some ice cream for his beloved wife. He pulled along side a quaint little ice cream shop and was about to get out when he saw her. His heart pounded, his blood raced through his veins, as he knew without a doubt that he was staring directly at the woman from his dreams. 

He got out of his car, as he raced over to the woman. He stopped himself though, thinking things over in his mind. "I'm a happily married man and suddenly I'm chasing after another woman just because she looks like the woman in my dream?! Look around you, there are hundreds of dark-haired women here and besides, it was just a dream. Wasn't it?" His mind stopped at that question. Was it all really just a dream? A figure of his imagination? Or was it once real? A memory he had lived and experienced before he was found washed up from sea? He had so many questions on his mind, he felt as if his head were about to explode. His thoughts finally went back to Lexie and he realized how silly it was for him to be chasing after a stranger. Still, in some strange way he felt he knew the woman, or at least he had at one time. But his head won over his heart, as he hopped back in his car to hunt down another ice cream place. 

~*~*~*~

As Monica entered the quaint ice cream shop, she felt a chill run down her spine. She turned around to see a car racing off down the street. Suddenly, she felt Chandler's presence more than ever before. Sean noticed.

"Honey, what's wrong with you? Are you cold? You're shivering." 

"I'm fine. Can we get the ice cream to go?"

"Of course, Mon. But I thought we'd stay and spend some time together as a family, remember?"

"Yeah, well I just don't have much of an appetite right now, Sean." 

"Okay. I'll get the ice cream and Cari and we'll go." 

Monica slowly lets out a deep breath of air. Something about this place just wasn't right. For some odd reason, it reminded her of Chandler. She saw Sean and Carolyn coming towards her and pulled herself together for the ride home. 

~*~*~*~

Matthew pulled up to his home, still thinking about the woman and his dream. No matter what he did, he could not pull himself together before he faced Alexandra. He knew that he would somehow, someway have to finally tell her the truth. He walked in slowly, ice cream under one arm, movie under the other, and looked up to see Lexie standing in the doorway, waiting for him. How could he tell her? How would she take the news? He asked himself over and over again. Still, his heart won this time, telling his head that he must inform Alexandra of his reoccurring dream and the woman he saw tonight. 

"Hey stranger," was Lexie's welcome. "What's wrong with you, blue eyes?" 

He entered their home, not muttering a word. He set down the bought items on the counter, as he went over to his wife and kissed her gently. He looked down at her when they broke. "I'll always love you. You know that, right?" 

Alexandra stepped back, with a worried expression on her face. "What did you do to the car?" 

The question took Matt by surprise. "Nothing's wrong with the car, sweetie." 

"Then why are you acting this way?"

"What way? Can't a man show his wife how much she means to him?" 

Lexie breathed out slowly. "Okay, sorry."

"No, I'm the one who's sorry." 

"I knew it! What did you do?" 

He clutched her hand and led her into the sitting room. "I have a confession to make."

"Oh, no." 

"No, no. It's not what you think."

"Okay. Then what do I think, Matty?"

"Alright. You know those dreams I get every once in awhile where I'm kinda spaced-out, and I just tell you they're nothing?" 

"Uh huh, why?"

"Well, in a way they really are nothing. But in another way, they could be something."

"I'm not following ya."

"Okay. Well basically, in those dreams, I see another woman." 

"You mean, another woman besides me?"

"Yeah, and I don't know who she is. I can barely make out her face, but she's very beautiful with dark hair and deep blue eyes."

"Alright. So if you don't know who she is, why are you making such a big deal outta this?" 

"Because, in the dream, I tell this woman she means the world to me and how much I love her."

"Well, maybe she's a relative from your life before I found you." Just then, Alexandra gasps. "Matthew, is this woman in your dreams, is she, I mean, was she a girlfriend?"

"I wish I could tell you that. In the dream, it appears very likely that she could have been a girlfriend or maybe even a wife. But that's not all."

"There's more?!"

"Yeah. I was picking up the ice cream tonight and I saw who appeared to be the very same woman from my dreams. But I didn't go up to her or anything, I never really did get that good of a look at her." 

"Well then, we have to find out." 

"How so?"

"We can start by taking you to see a hypnotherapist. They can help analyze these dreams and see if and/or what they may mean." 

"So you're really okay with this?"

"Matt, this could be your one shot at finding out some information about your past. I could never deprive you of that or anything. I love you too much." 

He smiled back at her. "I'm so lucky to have you in my life."

"It was fate that brought us together, but it was by choice that we stayed together. And I'm hoping that if fate leads you to discover some truth about your past, it will still be by choice that you stay with me."

"I could never chose to leave you. Let's go to bed and think about it in the morning." She mouthed 'okay' as they went to their bedroom and Matthew thought of what tomorrow would bring. 

~*~*~*~

The alarm rang, its annoying buzz waking Monica to the start of a new day. Remembering what today was, she quickly threw on her robe, entering Carolyn's room. She woke her up and got her ready for her first day of school. This was one of those moments that she once again regretted the fact that Chandler could not be there. On some level, she felt guilty that she would get to enjoy this and so many more of their daughter's accomplishments, while Chandler could not. But she remembered to put on her brave face for Carolyn's sake. 

As she drove her to school, Monica's mind wandered to the events of the past night. All night, she thought about the ice cream shop and wondered why it made her think of Chandler so much. Carolyn nudged her arm, as Monica snapped out of it. She realized they were at the school already. 

"Do you want mommy to walk you to the doors?"

"I'll be okay."

"You sure? Because it's no problem."

"Mom, I can make it by myself." 

Her daughter's response caught her by surprise, considering how close her and Cari had always been. She felt a tear drop as she realized what a strong, independent girl Carolyn had grown to become already at the tender age of 5. "Okay honey, I'll pick you after school lets out. Look for me and have fun, okay?" 

"I will. Love you, mommy." Cari reached over and pecked Monica on the cheek as she replied that she loved her back. She watched Carolyn walk up the stairs and enter the big school, then could not contain herself any longer as she rested her head in her hands and cried. She knew what she had to do. 

~*~*~*~

"We're here. Are you ready, Matty?" 

He looked over at his wife and smiled. "Sweetie, you're probably already late for that Vera Wang thing anyway and you've been waiting months for that."

"So I'm a little late? They can't start without me" she laughed. 

"No, no! I am going to win for once. Besides, I'm a big boy. I can take care of myself." 

"That's something that's questionable." Matt gives her a look. "But okay, I'll leave. Just give me a ring when you're through." She gives him a quick good-bye kiss and drives off. 

Matthew stared at the gray and white building, wondering if there was any hope left at all for him after almost 6 years of no answers. He entered and noticed that it looked friendly enough as he checked in. Sooner than he thought, his name was called and he began what could very well lead to many years of unanswered questions. 

~*~*~*~

Monica drove up to the gray and white building where Sean worked, among many other doctors with many other different degrees. Before she entered, she hesitated, thinking about what she wanted to say one last time. She knew it would probably hurt Sean at first, but she had to do what she knew in her heart was right. So, taking a deep breath in, she journeyed her way to Sean's office. 

Sean heard a soft knock at his door, wondering why his secretary would let anyone pass. Bracing himself, he opened the door to find Monica. "Sweetie, what are you doing here?" 

Forcing her way in his office, she took a seat. "Sean, we need to talk." 

"Okay. About what?"

"About us. Sean, I want an annulment."

He stares back at her, with a blank expression on his face. Not believing what he just heard, he whispers, "A what?!"

"Sean, please don't make this harder than it already is."

"Right now I'm, well, I'm feeling a lot of things. Monica, I know that this is all new to you and I told you before, I understand. I'm never going to try to take Chandler's place."

"That's just it. I realized as I dropped Cari off today just how wrong I was in marrying you. Chandler could still be out there somewhere, alive and waiting for my return. And it's not right for me to betray my husband by pretending he's dead and marrying you just for our daughter's sake."

"Monica, Chandler is gone forever, okay? You have to come to terms with that." 

"He's not gone forever. He can't be when I feel his presence, alive inside of me everyday. I can't keep cheating my daughter out of her father. I can't keep cheating Chandler out of his daughter."

"So this is what you really want? To just live with false hope everyday for the rest of your life? That isn't good for Cari or yourself." 

"It's not false hope when he is still alive."

"But you don't know that for a fact."

"My heart does and that's all that matters."

"Fine. I know you too well to know that you will not let me win on this one. But can you at least think this over?"

"I have thought this over. And I still want an annulment, Sean." 

"What about Carolyn? We agreed to marry for her sake."

"Yes, and that was totally wrong of me to agree to that. I'm sorry, but this is just how I feel."

"I guess I have to agree to this."

"You don't have to, but it would make me happy if you did. We both know this was wrong from the start anyway."

"Yeah, well then I'll see my lawyer and let you know. But if you change your mind, please tell me."

"I will, and you are still a big part of Cari's life, Sean. You always have been and I would like you to always be, if you want to."

"Of course I want to. Both of you mean everything to me."

"Thank you, Sean." Monica didn't know what else to do but give him one last kiss goodbye and leave. There was no turning back now. She knew that for Carolyn's sake, she couldn't stay married just because it was convenient to. So, she left, leaving for the home her and Chandler were supposed to share. 

~*~*~*~

Matthew stepped out of the office, and sat down, trying to take in everything that had just happened. He remembered he had to call Alexandra, so he picked up the nearest pay phone and dialed. She picked up. "Hello?"

"Hey, it's me. I'm out of the doctor's office."

"Really? How'd it go?"

"He says we're making great progress. He put me under hypnosis today. He wants you to come over here with me tomorrow to discuss some of the things I said while I was under." 

"Okay, I'm off so that will be good. Well, I'll be there in 15. See ya then."

Matt agreed and hung up. He was so anxious to know what he might have said. He was almost sure that he discussed the woman in his dreams while he was under hypnosis. Maybe tomorrow he would finally get answers as to who she really was and what she really meant to him, if she ever did. But right now he had to concentrate. For this may be the last sane day of his life. 

~*~*~*~

Monica and Carolyn sat in silence as they ate breakfast. Monica kept thinking of how calm Sean had been about the annulment. Last night, he left in peace. Not saying too much. She figured he did it for Cari's sake, like he usually did things concerning her and him. 

But for now, Monica had to put that all past her. She started to wonder how she would ever find Chandler again. The 'what ifs' always crossed her mind, as she tried to block them out. The biggest one though, she couldn't. She knew that Sean was right yesterday, no matter what her heart told her. That there was a huge possibility that Chandler really was gone forever. 

"Mommy, what was my daddy like?" Carolyn asked, interrupting her thoughts. Her daughter's question caught her off guard, especially since Cari never really asked about her father. 

"Well, he was a very caring man, with the sweetest heart you could ever find. And he always knew how to keep me laughing. Without him, I was nothing."

"But you're without daddy now and you are still something."

"Well, yes. But that's only because your father is still very much alive inside my heart." 

"If he's alive inside your heart, can you talk to him?"

"No, sweetie. I mean, I can talk to him, but he can't answer me."

"Is that because daddy's in heaven?"

Again, Monica felt surprised. How could she answer her daughter that question when she didn't know herself? "Honey, why are you so interested in your father all of a sudden?"

"Because I heard you and Sean talking about him last night."

"Oh, okay. Well, I guess now is as good of a time as any to tell you about him." She motioned for Carolyn to follow her in the living room, as she grabbed a gold box from inside the cabinet. She opened to box, reveling pictures. Cari picked one up with Monica and Chandler. "Is he my dad?" 

Monica smiled. "Yes, that's him. That was us in front of Central Perk. It was a coffee place your father and I loved, so we had our picture taken in front of it. I think that was taken a week before daddy and I were married." 

"He looks really nice."

"He was. You look a lot like him too."

"So what happened to him to make him go to heaven?"

Monica paused, thinking about how to answer that. "Well, I'm still not sure if daddy is in heaven." 

"You mean he went to the bad place?"

"No, I mean daddy might be alive."

"How can that be?"

"Well, it's really complicated, Cari. Maybe after I tell you what happened, you'll understand." Cari nodded and Monica continued to tell her bits and pieces of the story. "After we were married, Daddy and I took a trip together on a boat. And one day, a storm came about and daddy tried to get our boat back to land. But this huge bolt of lightening struck as he was trying to fix the sail, and I guess it scared him. Anyway, he was knocked off the boat into the rough sea. Mommy tried to save him, but by the time the rescue men came, we couldn't find him anywhere."

"Did they ever find him?"

"No, and that's why mommy thinks he may still be out there somewhere."  
"But mom, if daddy was still here, wouldn't he come find us?"

"Well, he might be trying right now or maybe he has amnesia and can't remember us. I'm sure if he did remember, he would be trying to right now."

"Why can't we try to find him?"

"That's what I am going to start doing today. I'm going to hire a man to help us find daddy, that is if he isn't in heaven." 

"Do you think the man will find daddy?" 

"I hope for both our sakes he can. But let's not worry about it too much right now, okay?" Carolyn agreed and left to finish her breakfast. Monica wondered where she could find the best private investigator in the city. Suddenly, she remembered that Sean might be of some help. So, after she dropped Carolyn off at school, she drove over Sean's building. 

~*~*~*~

Matthew sat back in the car. He tried to remain calm, but he had a feeling that today would be life changing. He looked over at Alexandra and noticed how calm she was. He admired her for being brave through all of this just for him. She noticed his nervousness. "Are you feeling okay?"

"I could be better. But knowing you'll be there with me helps a lot." 

She smiled. "I'll always be here for you no matter what." 

They parked the car and walked to the building, hand in hand, both wondering if they would leave that way. 

A sigh left Matthew, as he heard his name being called. Alexandra smiled at him, as they entered the doctor's office.

~*~*~*~

Monica parked her car, almost racing into the building up to Sean's office. She could only think of finding Chandler now, her soul mate. She was determined to drive the 'what ifs' out of her head, as she told herself over and over again that Chandler was just as much alive as dead. 

Explaining to Sean her plan, he agreed to help and support her. He knew if he told her otherwise, she wouldn't listen. Besides, he couldn't lose his best friend and her daughter when they had meant so much to him. So, with his blessing, Monica left his office happy, satisfied that after 6 years, she was finally getting somewhere. 

Monica couldn't help but think that maybe Carolyn would finally get to spend a birthday with her father, as the elevator stopped on different floors. As the elevator doors opened on one floor, Monica's thoughts stopped. Pulse racing, she couldn't believe her eyes. She jumped off the elevator, and tried to remain calm as she walked up to him. She hesitated, thinking how crazy she was about to sound. But her curiosity could no longer contain her. 

"Excuse me, sir?" 

"Yes?" As he faces her, Monica could feel her heart racing. Six years had passed since she had been this close to him. "I'm sorry. I'm Monica, and it's just that, well, you're going to think this is silly, but you look exactly like my first husband, Chandler Bing." 

The man looks back at her as if he's seeing her for the first time. "Chandler? I'm sorry, you have got me mistaken for someone else. My name's Matthew." 

Monica looks down. "No. I'm the one who's sorry. It's just that he died 6 years ago in a terrible boating accident. His body was never found. I guess I've just been hanging onto false hope even after all these years." She looks over at the familiar face, hesitates, then adds, "It's just you look exactly like him. If I didn't know any better, I would swear on my life you're my former husband." 

Matthew's head shoots ups. "Former?" 

"Yes. I've since then re-married, but Chandler's child is a constant reminder of him more and more each day." 

"Well, again, sorry to mislead you in any way." He watches her head lower and moves over to comfort her. Monica feels those same strong arms wrap around her. Her head snaps back up and she can no longer hold herself back. She reaches up and kisses him firmly, yet softly. She becomes so involved in the familiar taste of his kiss that she never notices him pulling away. Breathlessly, she asks him, "Can't you feel me, Chandler? Don't you recognize me?" 

Matt looks down at her face and smiles. Monica smiles back at the fact that her dream is finally going to come true. Instead, he loosens his grip on her and steps back. "I'm so sorry. In a strange way, I wish I could be who you want me to be. But I can't. I wish I could help you find your lost husband, but again, I can't. Maybe it's just time you accept he's gone." 

Monica looks back at him. "Chan-Matthew, every day for the past 6 years I have managed to fool myself into believing the sea took my husband, no, took my life away from me and the child that we had. Living with the impulse of false hope kills you inside. It makes you ask yourself every time you step outside your door and see a man that looks even vaguely familiar, 'Is that Chandler?' Today was different from all the other days. From the moment I looked into your face, I saw Chandler. Your responsive kiss, Chandler's. Everything about you reminds me of him and I can't walk away from here unless you tell me with confidence that you are not Chandler Bing." 

Matthew sighs. "I don't know how many times I can say I'm sorry. I'm not your Chandler Bing. About twenty minutes ago, I could have told you that I might have been." 

"I don't understand, what do you mean?" 

They sit as Matthew explains how he was found, and goes on to explain his dreams. "So today, I went back with my wife, Lexie, and he confirmed that the woman in my dreams was my sister. Her and I were really close. My wife just went to make a call to this private investigator so I can begin to start looking for my family." 

Devastated, all she can get out is "Oh. I'm really sorry for making you uncomfortable." 

"It's no problem. I know how you feel, looking for someone that may or may not still be there. Good luck finding your husband, I'm sure he's out there somewhere." 

With that, Monica begins to walk away. She feels a tiny tear roll down her cheek and wipes it away. Thoughts race through her head, most of them lies, hanging onto useless hope that was no longer there. 

Alexandra walks up to Matt. "Who was that woman, hon?" 

"A woman looking for her destiny." Matthew smiles at his wife and as he kisses her, he thinks how lucky he is to have such a wonderful woman. 

~*~*~*~

Driving down the highway, not knowing what her next move is, Monica spots the same ice cream place where she felt Chandler's presence. She pulls over, and enters, figuring if nothing else, she could drown her misery in food. Looking around, she sees that it's almost empty, with a few scattered souls here and there. She walks up to the counter, and looks at the menu. Just then a man calls out to her. 

"Can I help you?" 

"Well I was trying to make up my mind-" Monica stops as she turns and sees who is before her. She cannot believe this is the second time today that she's seen a Chandler look-alike, as the man walked behind the counter. Although, he certainly sounded like Chandler, he didn't look quite the same as she remembered her husband to be. This man had a few gray hairs, accompanied by some wrinkles that were beginning to show. "Are you single?"

The question caught the man by surprise. "I'm sorry to say I am. It's kinda hard getting a date when you're blind." 

"Oh, I'm so sorry. I couldn't even tell. I just asked because, well this will sound crazy to you, but you are the second man I've met today that looks like my dead husband. Erm, at least I think he's dead. I'm sorry, I'm not making any sense." 

"It's okay, I get the point. You know, you sound so familiar. Have you been in here before?"

"Once. But I've never met you. I'm Monica." She shakes his hand. "It's nice to meet you." 

"Monica." The man looks off into the distance as if he's discovering something for the first time. "People call me John." He paused. "Well, thanks for stopping in." 

Disappointed, Monica turned away. Her head told her that she was a fool to keep allowing herself to see Chandler in every man that looked even the slightest like him. It was as if she had finally solved the answer to a problem she'd been working on for years. She knew that it was time to just let Chandler go in peace, otherwise, she would go mad trying to find someone who wasn't even there. 

"Monica, wait." 

She pauses, turns slowly around to stare into the man's deep blue eyes and speaks, "Yes?" 

"This husband of yours, do you mind telling me about him?" 

She figured it might help to talk about Chandler to this friendly man. "Well, my husband and I were on our honeymoon out at sea. One night, a terrible storm came upon us and he fell right into the rough waters. I tried to save him, and then rescuers showed up, they looked for him for days. But they never found any sign of him. That was 6 years ago." 

The man stands up and takes out his wallet. He places a picture before Monica and asks, "Is this your husband?" 

Monica gasps, not believing her what eyes are seeing. "Where did you get this?!" 

"It's a picture of Chandler, my cousin." 

"Oh, my God! You're his cousin? That's why this place reminds me so much of Chandler. I'm sorry, for a minute there I thought you had good news." 

"What makes you think I don't?" 

She looks up at him. "You mean, Chandler is-" 

"Alive?", he finishes. "Oh yes, he's very much alive. He lives right off Exit 51." 

"So he remembers me?"

"Yes, I don't think he's ever really let go of you."

"Well, why hasn't he tried to find me?!" 

"Maybe I should let him tell you that." John reaches into his wallet again, handing her a slip of paper with an address on it. "This is where he lives. Go to him, Monica." 

She stands up and hugs him. "Thank you so much." 

Monica races out the door to her car and speeds away. As cars and trees whip past her, she keeps telling herself that this all must be some strange dream. 

After what seems like forever, she reaches Chandler's apartment and knocks on the door. The door opens, revealing a very alive Chandler. Speechless, Monica has no idea how to react to the moment she's waited forever for. She throws her arms around him. "Please don't tell me this is a dream, Chandler. I've waited 6 years for this." 

Chandler breaks the hug and makes her sit. He stares blankly at her. "Monica, how did you find me?" 

"Didn't you want me to find you? I thought you loved me." 

"I do love you. I love you so much I decided to do what was right for you, and just let you go." 

"But I don't understand. Why would you *ever* think that was the right thing to do?" 

"At first, I wanted so badly to find you. But when I found out, I didn't want to burden you with my troubles."

"Chandler, you're not making any sense." 

"I have leukemia, Mon." Monica sits back in the couch. "I figured since I'm going to die anyway, I might as well let you believe that I was dead." 

"Oh, Chandler. You don't know that you'll die for sure. They may find a cure or you could have a bone marrow transplant." 

"I know, but I didn't want to trouble you with my problem." 

She reaches over for his hand. "How could you think you would trouble me? This is our problem now. You're not going to go through this alone. Carolyn and I won't let you." 

"Who's Carolyn?" 

"She's your daughter, Chandler." 

"I have a daughter?!"

"Yes, she needs her father so much. You have to come back home where you belong." 

"I don't think I can bear the thought of hurting you more. Whether we want to admit it or not, I will eventually die."

"Okay, we don't know that for sure. Even if that may turn out to be true, this time I will be able to accept that because we did everything we could to save you. This I have some control over. When I thought you had died at sea, I had no control over that and it hurt me for years. You'd only be hurting me more if you would stayed here and didn't allow me to help you get through this." 

"I dunno. I really have a little girl?" Monica smiles and nods. "I bet she looks exactly like you."

Monica laughs. "Actually, she's the splitting imagine of you. She was a constant reminder of you; one of the reasons I never gave up hope on finding you." 

Chandler smiles. "She sounds like someone special then."

"Yes, someone special that needs her father back." 

He pauses. "Remind me when I meet my daughter to thank her." 

"For what?"

"For reuniting me with you." 

"You mean, you'll come home?!" 

"Yeah, but only because I can't lose you again, Mon." He reaches over to her and kisses her deeply and passionately. They break and she speaks to her true love through tears, "Chandler, you don't how much I've longed for you. Don't ever leave me again." 

He wipes away her tears and reassures her. "I'm here from now until the end of time."

"Forever?" she asks. 

Chandler pulls her closer. "Well, yeah. But the transplant could go all wrong and I could die." 

"Chandler…" 

He laughs. "Mon, look at me." She stares back at what seems like the best dream she's ever had. "I'll be here. Forever and always." 

   [1]: mailto:insane_laurie@yahoo.com



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